{"id":2336,"date":"2021-04-29T21:15:56","date_gmt":"2021-04-30T01:15:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.spanglishvoces.com\/?p=2336"},"modified":"2021-04-29T21:26:39","modified_gmt":"2021-04-30T01:26:39","slug":"back-in-my-body","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.spanglishvoces.com\/index.php\/2021\/04\/29\/back-in-my-body\/","title":{"rendered":"BACK IN MY BODY"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 His look went straight through my skin, his eyes fixed on the television screen. My twenty-five year-old body was eager to be touched, but my desire was cloaked by indifference. The love from the time of the wedding, held at a colonial convent, was dissipating. No show of affection, recipe, diet, makeup, or lingerie could save it. As much as I studied and tried to connect with him intellectually, my perfect repartee couldn\u2019t save it either. My body was invisible, and the anguish of it started to form a knot in my throat.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 I would push my food around on the plate and hide it. I couldn\u2019t eat, couldn\u2019t swallow. The lump of anguish stood in the way. The bones of my wrists started to stick out; my breasts started to melt away. I tried to say, \u201cLook at me,<\/em>\u201d but the words got stuck in my throat. If I tried to swallow a bite of fruit, it would also get stuck in the same spot. Bitterness and pain were forming a knot inside of me. It grew with the added layers of spite and hopelessness. A form of revenge, perhaps. He would say, \u201cYou\u2019re getting so thin, you\u2019re so quiet<\/em>.\u201d And sometimes he wouldn\u2019t say anything at all, because none of the words he said were ever for me anymore.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 My mother would look at me worriedly and say, \u201cYou\u2019re too skinny<\/em>.\u201d My girlfriends would tell me over and over: \u201cYou\u2019re going to disappear.\u201d <\/em>My bones revealed the outline of my anatomy. And as my body was gradually evaporating into an air of indifference: a night of confusion. He reached out his arms. He was looking for someone and there I was. And the remnants of the body in which I used to gallivant around the parties of my youth came together again and responded. And a being started to grow in my abandoned belly. My body became inhabited again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0The early nausea of the pregnancy expelled the bitterness from my throat. I started eating again. My hips and breasts filled out again. Everything in me now had a purpose: listening to classical music to soothe the baby, eating vegetables and protein so the baby would have strong bones, emptying myself of sadness so that I wouldn\u2019t transmit my tears to the baby.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 He would look askance at my belly, at my expanding body. But his vacuous eyes no longer gave me life. I was too busy giving life to another being. My baby, my little girl.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I balanced working at a magazine with buying the crib, the changing table, and the diapers. I analyzed every detail of my book about what to expect during the pregnancy. I would stay late at work to avoid being met with absence when I got home. I wrote up interviews and reviews on my little computer and attended the baby showers that my coworkers organized.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 After the contractions began, my husband took me to the hospital. When we came home with our yellowish baby, we had to sit with her in the sunlight on the balcony. Her head was covered with dark hair, and her eyes were half open. Milk flowed from my breasts, and my baby grew until she took up all the spaces where I had disappeared. And my body, now brimming with life, with milk, was a haven of sustenance; it could no longer go unnoticed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Months went by and his presence slowly faded away, but his absence no longer hurt. My body was busy with another body, another life; patting the baby\u2019s back so she would burp; snapping her onesies closed and gently laying her on her side in her crib, like we used to put babies down to sleep in those days. I concentrated on writing for several magazines, all while preparing baby food pur\u00e9es and keeping track of each new tooth that emerged. Hours filled with stories and songs in love-filled parallel universes. My life was written in another language composed of babbles and belly laughs.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When he disappeared for good, I hardly noticed. Because love was already tattooed in the stretch marks on my belly and in my little girl\u2019s smile. Love overflowed the two of us and into my words, writing, friends, parents, and family.\u00a0When he tried to speak, his voice was so faint that I couldn\u2019t make it out. I just held him close in a brief hug and we said goodbye, never to hug each other again. I moved far away and had another child. Now we only meet in the face of my first child, in her dimples that show when she laughs, in her green eyes. A face identical to her absent father\u2019s.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Perhaps this overflowing love will even one day reach him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Written By Daniela Becerra<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Translated from the Spanish by Emily Hunsberger<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"\"Daniela Becerra<\/strong> Desde ni\u00f1a se refugia en las palabras le\u00eddas o escritas.\u00a0Aunque siempre quiso estudiar Letras, es licenciada en Comunicaci\u00f3n y curs\u00f3 la maestr\u00eda en Desarrollo Humano. Se gradu\u00f3 con una tesis sobre la participaci\u00f3n de las mujeres en la literatura mexicana. Ha publicado ficci\u00f3n y no ficci\u00f3n en Literal Magazine, Nagari, Escritoras Mexicanas, El Beisman, Reforma, El Financiero, Harper’s Bazaar y Elle, entre otros medios. Edit\u00f3 Alcanzar el vuelo. Responsabilidad social en las empresas, publicado por Cemefi. \u00a0En estos momentos de pandemia, pone su escritura al servicio de una organizaci\u00f3n social y ha escrito decenas de semblanzas de gente en necesidad. Tambi\u00e9n espera la pr\u00f3xima publicaci\u00f3n de su libro colectivo Palabras entrelazadas.<\/span><\/p>\n

SOCIAL MEDIA<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Twitter:\u00a0 @danielabr3<\/a><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/span><\/p>\n

I’m a lifelong speaker of Spanish as a second language. While I’m formally educated in its norms and traditions, I’m also\u00a0curious about the linguistic variety of Spanish, have a desire to understand the narratives and ideologies surrounding it, and continue to create a body of work building bridges across its borders. Produzco Tertulia, un podcast en espa\u00f1ol sobre c\u00f3mo personas de carne y hueso en los Estados Unidos usan el idioma espa\u00f1ol para fortalecer la convivencia social, transmitir su cultura, recuperar su identidad y ejercer sus derechos.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

SOCIAL MEDIA<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Website:\u00a0https:\/\/tertuliaspanish.com\/<\/a><\/div>\n
Twitter: @TertuliaTweets<\/a><\/div>\n
Instagram:\u00a0@tertuliapodcast<\/a><\/div>\n
Facebook:\u00a0https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/cafecitonoincluido<\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 His look went straight through my skin, his eyes fixed on the television screen. My twenty-five year-old body was eager to be touched, but my desire was cloaked by indifference. The love from the time of the wedding, held at a colonial convent, was dissipating. 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